Controlling my Grief Journey

I found this today in my Google Drive from 2019. I thought I would share my journey through Grief with you....

I am reading this book called Made for This by Jennie Allen. 

She wrote “somewhere I picked up the idea that if things did not feel right or fall perfectly into place,

God was not in them.  I thought obeying God should feel pretty easy and convenient…..if obeying

seemed too uncomfortable, I likely would have decided that it wasn’t from God.”  

I saw myself in that.  When Robyn is in control, I am looking for comfortable things. 

I enter situations knowing the beginning to the end already. 

I have weighed all the options and decided whether it was a good choice or a bad choice. 

I have rationalized and justified every detail. 

I have planned and scheduled and settled every detail.  I like being in control. 

I prefer being self reliant. 

I have confidence in “me”. 

I have confidence in the lessons I have gained from my past experiences.  Good or bad. 

I prefer life this way.  I prefer feeling in control.  

Know what happens when I my control is jeopardized?  Anger.  Anxiety.  Worry.  Withdraw.  

4 years ago my control was rocked.  I lost my mother.  She passed away suddenly from a heart attack. 

I was 400 miles away.  I couldn’t turn back time.  I was uncomfortable. 

I was entering a pain and suffering that I didn’t even know how to start and where it would end. 

There were no options to weigh.  The decision had been made for me. 

A decision I did not like or agree with.  I could not rationalize why this would happen. 

In my eyes this was not justified.  She was still young.  I was too young to lose my mother. 

This was unplanned.  Unscheduled.  Every detail scared me.  I was NOT in control! 

I could do nothing to get her back!  I couldn’t FIX it!

You know what I did.  I cried.  I yelled.  I withdrew from the world.  I grieved so hard I couldn’t breathe. 

I grieved so much that I made myself sick.  Nothing was physically wrong with me but I couldn’t function.

I felt tired.  I was irritable.  I couldn’t think straight.  I hurt all over.  It was heavy. 

It was more pain than I had ever felt in my whole life.  And I could do nothing about it.

And I was going to conquer it!  I was going to settle it!  I was going to do it well! 

I wasn’t going to let this beat me!  I am IN CONTROL!  

Actually

I was broken!  I was scared!  But I demanded I was going to be strong!  Demanded it!  

You know what I slowly learned…..My Life is completely out of my control.  Completely!      

I began to slowly let God in.  Not just on the surface.  But IN!  Into my heart!  Into my very being!  

I had friends and family encouraging me.  Friends and family praying for me.  And praying over me. 

I was listening to worship music to replace the saddened thoughts in my head. 

I was thumbing through the Bible.  Trying to make sense of all this!  Trying to find my footing! 

My sad attempts of control!  Me!  Me controlling the Lord’s influence on MY grief.  

God was waiting on me!  He just needed the door to open just a little and he was coming in!!

God found his moment.  My guard went down in a study about Gideon. 

And HIS strength and word came pouring in.  

God started peeling back the layers of control I had wrapped my heart in. 

God began to show me how weak my control really was. 

I was surrounding myself with my mother’s things. 

Her jewelry, her books, her scarves.  Her things.  Holding on to her…...  He peeled back a layer.  

I was consumed by the idea that my image of being Kathy’s daughter was gone. 

I was burdened by the thought that I had to push it all down so I could survive. 

Put on my fake smile for the world to see so I could cry in my room in private.  …..

God started peeling it back…..

I drew closer to my family and my father.  Out of guilt for being miles and miles away from my mother. 

Out of shame for not being home more.  I started to carry their grief on top of mine.  …..

God took it and peeled it back….. 

I was lost in the plans and the future heartbreaks that were to come. 

My mother won’t be there for soccer games, graduations, weddings, concerts, and birthdays. 

How was I going to face another Mother’s Day?  I needed a plan.  …..God started peeling it away…..  

My control.  My things.  My image.  My people.  My plans.  

I remember seeing myself in Gideon.  God’s calling wasn’t Gideon’s plan. 

He didn’t feel worthy to be drawn to such a battle or even called a mighty warrior. 

He felt impoverished.  Gideon was comfortable and knew his place in his daily tasks. 

Gideon felt abandoned and betrayed by the Lord that had done great things in the days of his ancestors.

Gideon was weak.  The least to be called.  Gideon was afraid. 

God’s words didn’t line up in his eyes with what he believed to be true.

But God proceeded to call him a mighty warrior…. peeling back that layer of self doubt.  

The Lord sent him anyway…... peeling back that layer of comfort.    

The Lord announced that he was with Gideon and they would do this together…..

peeling back that layer of self.   

The Lord was proving himself to Gideon and Gideon was allowing HIM in.

The Lord continued to peel back the layers from Gideon’s things.  

Gideon’s image.  Gideon’s people.  Gideon’s plans.  

Slowly God was replacing them with HIS things, His Image, His people, and His plans.  

God did the same for me.  I began to see my identity far beyond what I thought. 

Far beyond what I could comprehend. 

Daily he is working on me.  Daily I have to release that control to Him. 

And you know what, I kind of stink at it.  I am not amazing at it. 

But the difference today is that my heart is open to it.  My grip has loosened. 

I still actually feel in control of my life and my choices but it’s a control based on Jesus’ control. 

Following my journey to get to know Gideon, I have walked through Grief share at church. 

Finding my identity again in the strength God has for me if I let him in. 

Then I walked through Ephesians and saw this huge armour of God within my reach.  

It was eye opening.  

I committed myself to a Journey group, to a catalyst group, to reading the bible within a year.  

All with my focus on Jesus and His Word and His Way. 

Submitting myself to an understanding from Him. 

Allowing Him to place it on me instead of me trying to place my own truth on Him.

I am still on this journey. 

I can honestly say that I do not have all this figured out and

I have come to terms with the fact that I may die not knowing it all. 

But my heart has been changed. 

I am open and willing to learn, to be changed, to grow, to experience, to be vulnerable. 

I am WILLING to surrender all to Him.  

My control has been brought into reality. 

God and I are in this together and it’s really about Him and not me. 

I still have moments of doubt and moments of fear.  I still let anxiety get in. 

But my spirit is alive and prepared for battle.  I am coming with terms that I am a mighty warrior. 

Not at all like I thought.  But just like God thought! 

The journey has not been easy or felt right or fell perfectly into place.  Or been convenient.  

But it’s from God just the same. 

And the only way I know that is that I have allowed a relationship with him and got to know him better. 

For myself.  Whether my life takes me through green pastures or beside quiet waters,

the Lord is my shepherd.  Whether my life takes me through the Valley of the shadow of death,

I will find restoration, peace, and righteousness through Him.  He is in control. 

His rod and His staff comfort me.  He is my Lord and I want only to dwell with Him.   

So I ask you today; who are you apart from your things, your image, your people, your plans? 

Who are you when removed from your comfort, your success, your approval, your acceptance? 

Are you secure alone with God?  What does God want for you?  Who has your heart?